Frequently
asked
questions:
Q: My dog has been asleep for about a month?
A: Why is this so frequently asked? - it's not even a question. Please don't misuse this service in this way but we will say just this once: this is perfectly normal - dogs spend most of their waking lives sleeping.
Q: I've got an okapi with an injury - who's the man I go to see?
A: Ah yes an exotic animal the likes of which your local vet may never have dreamt… Well if hypnotic rockers The Cosmos are to be believe (which they almost always are) then try and get hold of Dr Simon Zimmermann (Please address your questions to him).
Q: I'm looking for an all-you-can-eat pet buffet. Where can I find one or two?
A: Is there an ambiguous twinkle in your eye or what?
A2: Assuming you mean you wish to eat pets as a cheap alternative to Mark's and Spencer's then that is a secret illegal type of activity.
A3: If you mean luxury dining for pets that sounds like something that would happen in America or perhap backstage at Crufts.
Q: I'm a polish vet looking for work with Awkward Paws Vet Corporation. How do I go about getting a job with you?
A: To say Awkward Paws is elitist (The Daily Mail 2004) would be slander but at the same time you don't choose us (we choose you) so why not look for a surgery closer to home (walking is great exercise!) and GOOD LUCK from everyone at AP!!
Q: I love animals. I love to do DIY veterinary on them at home but I'm pretty sure I'm not very good at it - can you help?
A: Three words, you lovely St Francis: practice, practice, practice? Also please read our article SYWBAVH? (2007). And remember it's a vets job to cut 'em up not yours so please just do a kareoki-type version of major surgery!
Q: I've just done 4g of ketamine. I've lost my identity. What am I?
A: You are a horse! (Good joke gigi! Great sense of humour. But you should have taken the pet pathway).
NB: Though this is serious QnA Centre and this is a funny joke question only asked a few times- we do appreciate you're little jokes from time to time!
Recently asked questions:
Q: My dog's got no nose (lol) - how does he smell!!!!!? ;) 
A: Bring him in - we'll put him down.
Q: Tracksuit is obviously my favourite book and I'm a real history freak. Is there anyway to visit The Vetterage? (I can't even find Little Boznia on any maps).
A: Unfortunately your maps are not out of date. LB is a special and unspoiled locale. And that is the way the locals have voted to keep it. HOWEVER! Visit it virtually here?
Q: Why aren't there more pets on Popeye?
A: It's true that you can watch Popeye for around 100 hours without seeing a single pet. This is very unrealistic of course as in real life you would see a pet in the average 100 hours (unless you were blind). The reason for this has been suggested to lie in the fact that this was a Nazi propaganda cartoon more interested in baby farming (strengthening them up on spinage) than animal husbandry.
Letter Posted:
i am a man, and i and looking to purchace a mole.
however i hate them?
as a vet(s?), what would you suggest i do.
worried, chippenham
Reply:
Dear Chippenham,
Your question has been passed around our eager office, brimming with veterinary professionals. A unanimous decision was reached to offer you the following foolproof advice:
We would suggest that you spend some time in a field containing "mole-infested soils." This should be sign-posted in a red hazard triangle on the gate. Here you will be able to observe before committing to a purchase.
Of course we realise that you would like to purchase / obviously wish to conquer your fear. First you must get a friend or hired hand to purchase a nice looking mole (a professional will probably be better than a friend but a friend might know you better - you're choice).
Once you "own" the mole but have not had to go through the traumatic rigmarole of pet shop purchase, you can keep it at arms length and note all its endearing and hate-melting qualities - (eg. cute squint, manly digging power).
If the "hate" (Fear? Our little secret, eh?) gets too much you can lock it in a warm cupboard - this is not cruel as moles love the dark. Its happiness will rub off on you. When you are ready, open the door so it can look at you but you don't have to be repulsed (afraid) by (/of) it.
Continue this procedure until you are good friends.
If it becomes unwell (hatred is, after all, a disease) you know where to take it. (To a vet(s)).
Happy husbandry,
Your friendly team of Awkward Paws' vets.